Signals of Self-Abandonment & Coming Home to our Selves

January 7, 2024

Every one of us, every day, whether we are aware of it or not, is living the ever-present process of defining our own boundaries, as well as interfacing with the boundaries of others. When boundaries are blurred, we suffer the consequences.

Boundaries influence the choices and decisions we make, from the smallest to the biggest.

These choices run deeper than just who and what we say yes to or no to. They are choices that powerfully influence the quality of our daily life. How to hold others accountable for their actions; how to follow through when boundaries we have expressed are not regarded; how to manage our time; how to take care of our self in the face of compelling requests and demands from others, as well as those that we impose on our self; how we handle complaints we may have with service providers; how we navigate all manner of conflicts; how we take action on manifesting things that matter to us; how we go about ensuring that we are treated fairly by others, whether in our intimate relationships or wading through the pervasive “systems” in our culture such as the medical system, any system, from small suppliers to impersonal conglomerates. And more.

When we have spent a lifetime pleasing, or placating, or adapting our self to accommodate the expectations of others, out of fear or out of love, how do we even know what our genuine boundaries are?

Self-abandonment is the result of lacking awareness of our boundaries, as well as being aware of what we want or don’t want and then not acting congruently out of our desire to be accepted, to belong, to be loved.

Abandonment of our boundaries is self-abandonment.

Because this begins when we are very young, our deeply imprinted patterns of abandoning our own boundaries are often unconscious. So are our patterns of disregarding the boundaries of others.

We tend to misinterpret the signals of our self-abandonment that our body gives us …fatigue, irritation, overwhelm, confusion, and that other people give us….distancing, dismissing, withdrawing, annoyance. We think we need to change our diet, go to the doctor, get sleeping pills, take more supplements, get more exercise or buy better skin creams instead of asking “what boundary am I not regarding?”

How do we come home and ground into our own centre and accept our authenticity when our deeply embedded pattern is to look to others for validation?

How can we be liberated from relentlessly driving our self out of fear of what others think, falling short in comparison to others, being excluded?

How can we finally relax and truly feel the ease of acceptance and satisfaction with who we actually are?

Healthy boundaries nourish healthy relationships, with our self and with others. Unclear, poorly defined boundaries result in stressful, conflicted unhealthy relationships not only with others but also with our self.

Defining and then skillfully expressing clear boundaries are core to cultivating mature, enriching relationships with our intimates as well as impacting the quality of engagement with every person we interact with.

Why is it so challenging to follow through on our boundaries even when we become clear about them?

Join me at the Haven, February 15-18th, to practice this life-enhancing skill in Boundaries: The Vital Edge.