Boundaries: Embracing the Vital Edge of Being Alive

January 28, 2024

For decades, I’ve dedicated myself to teaching the art of defining healthy boundaries while continuously refining my own. The concept of boundaries is deeply personal to me, and I’ve observed a common misconception around what constitutes a healthy boundary.

Unfortunately, the prevailing approach often involves erecting walls and barriers, masking them as boundaries for the sake of simplicity. This black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality may provide a quick fix, but it fails to capture the essence of true boundary setting.

Consider this: When was the last time you found yourself fully engaged at the edge of an experience? A moment where you were open, honest, and perhaps a bit vulnerable. Were you excited or anxious? Reflecting on these instances reveals the essence of personal boundary experiences.

Often, when people claim to have "put up a boundary" for protection, they've actually erected a barrier between themselves and others out of fear. This fear may manifest as the dread of being overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or abandoned. It's crucial to distinguish between healthy fear in the face of violence and abuse, where protective measures are warranted, and self-diminishing fears that drive unnecessary barriers.

A genuine boundary is not a shield; it's a declaration of self based on core values. It involves standing forward on behalf of oneself while respecting others. Human boundaries are not fixed like property lines; they are a dynamic, living process unfolding in the present.

Three simultaneous aspects characterize the human boundary-ing process:

a) Distinguishing oneself from others.

b) Containing one's thoughts, emotions, and life force.

c) Serving as a meeting place, a threshold, between oneself and the world.

Boundary-ing is a courageous act of stepping forward to meet at the edge of contact, avoiding self-abandonment or intrusion into others' boundaries. It's a vulnerable process that requires courage, inner strength, and self-awareness.

This is the foundation for alleviating anxiety and self-diminishment and living with genuine freedom to be who you authentically are.

It may seem easier in a busy day when even small boundary annoyances arise to just put up a barrier and get on with what appear to be the more important things. However, when this continues to happen day after day, year after year it becomes embedded as an unconscious pattern. Often the origins of these patterns are rooted in early childhood, long before we developed the capacity to understand. It’s common to be moving through life operating on automatic, dismissing our own boundaries and therefore our self.

Operating on automatic has serious consequences. It creates distance in our relationships, it impacts our state-of-mind and is detrimental to our health.

Psychological & Physiological Implications of Boundaries

Healthy boundary-ing is not just a psychological concept; it's crucial for physical well-being. Our bodies often express unspoken boundaries through symptoms like skin conditions, lung problems, or digestive issues. When boundaries are clear, flexible, and well-defined, they provide a safety container for experiencing emotions and energy without fear of overwhelm.

Our body, especially the skin, serves as the boundary of our existence. In Chinese medicine, the skin is considered the third lung, reflecting the condition of the lungs. Asthma and skin conditions can be linked to fear of self-expression, indicating an internal battle between expansion and contraction.

Grounding ourselves in our bodily home fosters balance, stability, and a strong sense of self. By defining and expressing boundaries, we regulate our nervous system, make considered choices, and strengthen our capacity for authenticity.

The stomach, governed by the Earth element, reflects our assimilation and dissemination process. Listening to our body's metaphors, such as stomach discomfort (“this is hard to stomach…”), provides insight into boundary-related issues that require attention.

Boundary discovery is an ongoing, deeply personal journey. I am privileged to share my insights and continue learning through my experiential workshop: Boundaries: The Vital Edge, February 15-18, 2024 at The Haven on Gabriola Island. As another year unfolds, my commitment is clear: to Be … alive at the edges, embracing the vitality that comes with healthy boundary-ing.