Soul Nourishment & Surgery
June 28th, 2018
Long time, no blog. I have blogged to you often from my wild mind however intention without initiation and action does not not a blog make. I will get to the most poignant point and share some of the background.
Fab photographer, Joke Mensink's, low-tide view. So much life and beauty under the surface
July 3, I will be at Mount St. Joseph hospital for a double-mastectomy. The events leading up to this have been so engrossing that it is only now with the day imminent that the reality of it is sinking ever deeper. Those of you who have read my blog have contributed so much to the loving, supportive field that has carried me beautifully through this past year -- it was May 2 last year that I had the partial mastectomy.
Earlier in June, I wrote an update to my family and some of the folks close around me. I thought that it may have some private details that not everyone would care to hear however I will now attach it below to give you some of the background that has led up to my decision to have the surgery.
In my update I mention having participated in an enriching retreat at Loon Lake. To give you an idea of the kinds of things that I am finding heartening and inspiring these days, if you are curious, go to the website Ontogony.com. I did my first Tantra Mahamudra last May, this year was my second and I am keen to do the final one next May. Carlos de Leon is a delightful and illuminating teacher, reminiscent of how Ben Wong and Jock McKeen so masterfully integrated a massive breadth of knowledge into their teaching.
Recently I also immersed myself for six days in the Science & Spirituality Conference in Nanaimo. All I can say is that it was life-enhancing, life-changing. The combination of Gregg Braden, Joe Dispenza, Bruce Lipton, Lynne McTaggart, Kyron channeled by Lee Carroll and Stargate was utterly dynamic and I left elevated, illuminated and inspired. Not to mention somewhat tired. Each day started with the early morning ferry from Gabriola and often the 10 or 11 pm ferry home again. There were 1,500 people there from 40 countries, which in itself created a brilliantly stimulating and healing field to learn and thrive within.
From there I went immediately into medical tests and doctor appointments, then transitioned into the creative, thoroughly nourishing environment of the Painting Into Spirit workshop right here on beautiful Gabriola Island, the perfect combination of process painting and meditation. Painter and being-extraordinaire Caroline James gracefully, intuitively and skillfully guided our group of 8 magnificent women into each our own unique relationship with brush, paint, paper through the highs and the lows of expansion beyond life-long limitations. Wise woman Janet Lironi took us oh-so-tenderly into our depths through her beautiful, touching meditations and sharing of poetry. We laughed, cried, ate, shared, reflected, meditated and created together through the weekend and emerged enriched beyond expectation. Have a look at the listing of Caroline's workshop and other offerings at carolinejames.com.
And, on Saturday of this week, as another important preparation for my surgery, I'm looking forward to participating in a special event on Gabriola Island, Pranayama Pratyahara and the Art of Doing Nothing. Perfect! The teacher, Pandit Tejomaya is yet another beautiful light being who lives here. I recently had an inspiring talk with him and believe he is uniquely gifted. I have much to learn from him.
I have been drinking in the abundance of loving, learning, letting go of limitations, savouring life moment by moment, bursting with gratitude. Soul nourishment is the most powerful medicine there is, every bit as crucial as food, sleep, medications. All the while I've been grocking the rich array of teachings, I've been cooking (and sometimes almost boiling over) with ideas and desire to eventually express to you what I am integrating as I navigate this passage. Whatever form emerges, I feel excitement for being alive and well to share. My ultimate purpose for going through this mystical journey is to give back through sharing.
And for now, I'll stop. Tomorrow, early, another new adventure as I go to Vancouver to attend what is called a Pre-Admission clinic for four hours as preparation for Tuesday's surgery.
Below is what I wrote earlier in June. Sending you love, light and laughter!
Photo by Joke Mensink
Dear Beloved Friends:
I’m not using beloved lightly—I like the word because it includes love and is also synonymous with precious, describing my feeling and thought about those of you with whom I share friendship. Many lessons have impressed themselves deeply within me during this cancer journey, one of them being how precious friends are and how much loving I feel when I think of you, each in your unique way. Not a day passes that I don’t revel in gratitude.
I’ve been sluggish about keeping in touch so this will be my attempt to fill you in on recent events. Although I had anticipated that by this time in my so-called sabbatical year I would be well on my way to taking it a little more easy and focusing on continuing to restore my health, it turns out there are more surprises in store. Somewhere the script-writer and I differ in our storyline.
One kink is that just before I departed for China in March to lead my only workshop there this entire year (first year since 2005 that I haven’t been in China at least three, and sometimes more, times a year) I severely injured my Achilles tendon. Ya, I’ve riffed a few times on the symbolism of that! Fortunately it wasn’t a complete tear, I’m into orthotics and a few other remedies, some stretches and exercises. Being in pain, limping around, being off-kilter has been unpleasant and somewhat fatiguing. I’m still in some pain and not walking normally but improved.
The big kink came in April. One ongoing mystery has been that in the special blood tests I was having periodically ever since my original surgery last May the active cancer tumour cell count has been continually increasing. Also, for several months I had been having an odd issue with the same breast that I had the partial mastectomy on and finally my oncologist suspected I had another form of cancer. Apparently unrelated to the original. I’ve been seeing a team of doctors, my main oncologist, the medical oncologist at Lions Gate Hospital Chemo Ward where I go every three weeks for the Herceptin IV, my naturopathic oncologist, my doctor that I see for homeopathic remedies and my surgeon. And, also other amazing practitioners and all-round remarkable human beings I am privileged to know for phenomenal bodywork, acupuncture, insight and spiritual/intuitive guidance to name a few. There are times when I simply marvel at how privileged I am, how supported I am and how much I am learning. Although my other doctors were convinced I couldn’t possibly have what my oncologist suspected, he wanted me to have a biopsy for Paget’s Disease, an even more rare form of cancer than my original one. My other doctors disagreed and thought that the biopsy would be a waste of time, however I was curious and intuitively knew something was not ok with what had been going on. This was in mid-April and since then I’ve been spending an enormous amount of time on the ferries, back and forth to Vancouver for tests and consultations, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, blood tests, my regular Lions Gate treatment, kidney scan, scalp skin biopsy, MRI, PET scan and the follow up appointments with the various doctors for results—just to give you some idea. And, in the midst of all that I participated in an enriching retreat at Loon Lake, which I’ll tell you about another time.
I like each practitioner and hold them in high regard, although they have tend to have widely varying opinions about what is going on and what action to take, with me in the middle to make the decisions. There have been times when I’ve found the conflicting opinions crazy-making. I am the one that will live or die with the consequences of what I do with all the info. Talking through all the ins and outs with friends is a “priceless” gift.
The biopsy for Paget’s Disease came back positive, which prompted further tests and set off another series of differing opinions from my doctors. With my original cancer last year it seemed everything moved at a snail pace, this year the doctors have escalated things plus I have learned a lot about advocating for myself and navigating through the twists and turns in the sometimes convoluted system. The most intense time has been the past couple of weeks with a lot of data converging and me being presented with immediate decisions to be made.
All through this last round the one thing that my team of doctors has agreed upon is that there is no precedent in the medical records and reports for my particular set of circumstances so they have all been honest with me that they are baffled. Last week, my doctor summed it up by saying “you are not in the books.”
Without going into more of what has been a morass of detail, and now that I’ve cleared most of the fog I was wandering around in, here is the current bottom line:
I am booked at Mount St. Joseph Hospital in Vancouver to have double mastectomy on July 3. I have been given the choice of no reconstruction, immediate reconstruction and post-reconstruction. Until last week I didn’t know those options existed. I have chosen, as of today, no reconstruction. This just happened three days ago, so as far as the logistics go the only thing in place right now is that my brother Jim will take me to the hospital and I can go to his and Barb’s home in Lions Bay for a couple of days after surgery, then he will get me back to Gabriola, which is where I want to be, as soon as possible. Apparently I only spend one night in the hospital, which is fine by me.
My motivation and my plan is to not miss being at the teen workshops that I so dearly love to do in late July and early August.
The PET scan and the MRI came back clear (except for the Paget’s) which is really really good news and a relief.
And (by now I am not surprised) there is one kink. While the MRI was clear as far as my breasts are concerned, they found something suspicious on Thoracic 1 and 2 that they want to test further in-depth. They are rushing that test also because the surgeon wants to see those results before she goes ahead with the surgery. It is quite likely not cancer and yet, particularly with my situation consistently falling outside of the norms, she wants to take that precaution. I will also have a brain MRI on June 20, another precaution because the brain is where my original cancer (HER2, hormone negative) tends to metastasize.
I have been clear all through this past series of events that if the cancer has already metastasized to other areas of my body I won’t subject myself to the surgery and instead focus my life on living to the fullest for as long as I am alive, including consciously and joyfully preparing myself for dying in the most graceful possible way.
Once things settle down more (ha ha ha, do you think that will ever happen?) I plan to share some of the other treatments I have experienced and some of the soul-nourishing pursuits I have been engaging in.
My sense is that this recent round of events, leading up to the surgery, is a turning point, that recovering from my surgery is the third act of this transformational passage into focusing on rebuilding vibrant health and a vibrant life (Act 1 of the next phase.) I am emerging from this with a fresh perspective on life, living, loving, dying—and more. Finding words to adequately share is a work-in-progress. And, something I am looking forward to sharing!
Ps: please excuse any typos or incoherence.
Lots of loving to you,
Linda
Photo by Joke Mensink