Exquisite

March 5th, 2018

Hello! Seems at least a year since I last sat down to blog. So much has transpired I am taking a breath to reflect and not even sure I can recall events accurately. I’ve often joked that I am just too engaged in living life to sit down and write about it.

Elijah, my 6th great-grandchild becoming acquainted with his new sister, my 7th great-grandchild.

This morning I have been flooding with waves of intense gratitude for my life, my family, my friends, my surroundings, my opportunities, simply everything! I am marvelling at the exquisite intensity of the sensation. Exquisite as in dancing on that delicate edge of being so pleasurable that it is almost painful – so poignant that I am stretching my tolerance to bear it. I am feeling grateful that I am feeling this way!

Last time I blogged I was looking forward to being at the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference with Maria Gomori. It was wonderful to accompany Maria, we had some special times with each other. I experienced the conference as informative, inspiring, engaging and not without challenges. Shortly before attending I had a chemo treatment which resulted in managing myself physically extremely demanding. It didn’t stop me of course, however it was a bit of an ordeal at times.

A special bonus at the end of the conference was that I visited with Maxie, my youngest grand-daughter, and the family who live very close to where the conference was. Maxie had just flown home to California for Christmas from England so it was ideal timing. It was a particularly poignant and emotional visit for me because I was there in person to give her the cheque from the settlement of her father Jeff’s estate. It has now been 20 years since Jeff died (Maxie had just been conceived when he died) and it has taken all these years to finally complete the legal requirements to release the funds from his life insurance policy. I feel deep gratitude to Gerry Owen for his patience and assistance to make this possible.  I was the conduit for Jeff to bequeath this money to Maxie in support of her education, her future, and I felt such relief for this blessed closure.

As soon as I returned home, it was more medical appointments and then Christmas with my son Scott. We had some lovely, low-key days and then I launched again. This time back to Vancouver for my treatment at Lions Gate hospital and immediately off to Shanghai with Maria. Maria and I, along with three other friends, brought in 2018 enjoying a wonderful meal in an elegant restaurant overlooking the stunning skyline of Shanghai.

I was thrilled to have been gifted with this trip to accompany Maria and finally watch her work in China. This was the first trip for me to China where I wasn’t working since 2005, the idea was to enjoy observing Maria, spend time with her between sessions and have some rest and relaxation. Just as with many things, this didn’t go according to plan. I managed to pick up the severe flu that was circulating so I became focused on doing my best to function and then recover. Fortunately, I was privileged to be gifted with regular treatments from a masterful Chinese medicine doctor, as well as two worthwhile visits to a hospital in Shanghai for tests and consultations. Shanghai is the most upscale city I have experienced, and in spite of my physical challenges I had some very special adventures with Maria and friends.

My intention is to blog about some of my adventures eventually, however for now I am just summarizing. A great deal of my time has been consumed going back and forth between home and Vancouver for doctor appointments, tests and my various treatments, including Herceptin intravenous at Lions Gate every three weeks, naturopathic treatments and body work. I have now completed the chemo treatments, my hair has begun to grow back in. I am curious what it, and I, will look like! With the chemo completed I am feeling better and recognizing how weak and unwell I was feeling during the chemo. I was so privileged to not be devastated like some people experience, however now I feel like I have emerged from a dark tunnel. I’ll be saying more about my current state soon, there are some test results due that will bring everything up to date.

Breanna Lily

Breanna Lily, my seventh great-grandchild, was born in Edmonton February 13th. Last weekend I went there and enjoyed a heart-warming, simply delightful family gathering. We managed to assemble the rambunctious collection of characters in one place at one time long enough to take a photo. Four of my five grandchildren were there with their partners, all 7 of my great-grandies and Scott’s ex Sandra, mom of my grandchildren. As I look at the photo I am in awe – there were 17 of us! Stunning to register that I am the sole elder. The few days with my clan were truly ineffable at this point, beyond words for me to adequately describe what it was like to be with these amazing individuals of all ages and to hold and witness the brand new tiny being as she is just beginning to take in our world.

My intention for writing today is to break my silence and to attempt to put some expression to the exquisite gratitude that I am flooded with by reaching out. These days I find it somewhat overwhelming to keep up with most things, including making meaningful contact with so many of you remarkable friends that I am very very privileged to have in my life. So for now, these news tidbits are my limited way.

When I last taught at Esalen, I met Lorin Roche, a delightful and engaging person.  Lorin devoted more than forty-plus years to translating and interpreting the sacred text of the Vijnana Bhairava Tantra, published in his book The Radiance Sutras, 112 Gateways to the Yoga of Wonder and Delight. An interesting synchronicity: Lorin had originally been introduced to the text that he fell in love with through Paul Reps’ book Zen Flesh, Zen Bones and was wanting to talk to someone who had known Reps personally, which I most certainly did. Reps and I had a very strong connection with each other when he spent time at Haven over the years. What a wondrous web of connection we all exist within.

Below is one of my favorite sutras, it speaks to me and to my experience exquisitely!

Sting of a wasp.

Rip of a nail.

A razor’s slice.

The needle’s plunge.

A piercing word.

A stab of betrayal.

The boundary crossed.

A trust broken.

In this lacerating moment,

Pain is all you know.

Life is tattooing scripture into your flesh,

Scribing incandescence in your nerves.

Right here,

In this single searing point

Of intolerable concentration,

Wound becomes portal.

Brokenness surrenders to

Crystalline brilliance of Being.