Arbutus Dragon

When I was young I loved to draw trees. I felt such pleasure focusing on the intricacy of each branch connecting to another branch then another branch then a smaller branch, out to the tiniest twig. No two formations ever duplicated. Drawing roots held the same fascination for me. I imagined that if I were to somehow be able to grab a tree in the middle of the trunk and turn it upside down the branches would become its roots and its roots its branches.

I don’t’ recall ever sitting down in front of a tree to try to copy it, I drew from my imagination and happily impressed myself with the wonderful results. Unfortunately none of those early masterpieces have survived.

At that time in my life all that I was awake to was that trees were outdoor things, pretty enough and somehow worthy of my fascination. No consciousness or clue that they are also living, breathing beings and that one day I would wake up to our relationship with each other. It was beyond my comprehension to consider that far into the future, when someone asked me who I hold as a hero I would reply “the tree.”

Long ago, I don’t quite remember when or why, I stopped drawing trees.   I vaguely recall eventually being sent to an art lesson, being told to copy a mug and an apple, then being told I wasn’t good enough and believing it.

Many years later I connected with my enduring love of hiking, tenting in the forest, and the experience of becoming grounded and soothed amongst trees.

My most powerful awakening showed up in a surprising way one remarkable night.

When my 30-year old younger son became quickly and intensely addicted to drugs I was ignorant and ill-informed about that world. His tragic death from dirty drugs was devastating for me. As I look back now I see that it took me years to emerge, cycling through varied phases of shock and grieving. One belief I carry is that the draw to drugs and what fuels the addiction for many people of all ages is their yearning to satisfy a spiritual longing, to fulfill a spiritual emptiness that is somehow not being met in everyday life. Unfortunately it is still rare in our era and in our culture to offer responsible, skilled guidance to those seekers and I profoundly regret that I wasn’t awake enough to provide this for my beloved son.

This belief was an aspect of my desire to understand for myself what lay beyond the barriers of everyday consciousness. My good fortune was that I was given the gift of being initiated into the world of teacher plants by loving, responsible, skilled guides.

A couple of hours into my first journey, suddenly the walls, the doors, the structures around me simply dissolved.   Now there was no human-constructed barrier between indoors and outdoors. Without having moved I was seated within only natural surroundings — the dark night sky, shadowy images of trees and bushes, my body responding to the spaciousness. I wanted to walk and explore, yet to do that I knew somewhere within me that I had to deal with my physical body, I had to stand up.   Without being able to explain properly even now, the cord of my ordinary consciousness was also still connected. I mustered everything I could to stand up and found myself immediately at the precipice of what my reality could tolerate: for probably a nano-second, which I still recall clearly, there was no wall and no door, I was seeing and feeling only the natural environment around me. But then, some thread of my ordinary consciousness came hurtling into the foreground insisting that to “go out” I had to reach for the door knob and open the door. Although I had that split second of knowing no wall or door existed and that all I had to do was keep walking, I was instantaneously snapped back into automatic — before I could interrupt I saw my hand materialize in front of me, I felt my mind working to manifest the door and the knob, I saw them form into solid substance in order to be touched by my hand. I opened the door and “went out” into the night.

Whenever I reflect on these moments from time to time, two things come to mind:

  1. If only I had been able to sustain that expanded consciousness longer, I would have been walking around in the natural environment without having had to manifest the wall or the door. How wondrous that would have been.
  2. Now I think I have an inkling of the role of intention that physicists talk about. Energy follows focus. Everything in our existence is a manifestation of intention, and it is within the realm of possibility to not be entranced and trapped within our common consensus of reality. I had to intend the door knob for it to be there.

Now I am wandering away from getting to my tree-awakening, so I will bring myself back to that now.

It was a cold, clear, star-lit night. But it was not the stars I was drawn to. It was the brilliance of the aliveness surrounding me. Startled at first, I blinked and gasped in wonder as I witnessed the energy field of each distinct blade of grass, plant, leaf, tree radiating exquisitely. Since that illuminating moment I regard other-than-human consciousness with the deepest respect, gratitude and awe. Simply no words at the moment to adequately describe my feelings. How fortunate for we humans that the trees and plants are not wasting their precious consciousness on manifesting door knobs.

Our own ancients knew and lived in harmony within this consciousness, accepting and honouring their interdependence. Indigenous people around the globe knew and still know. Although we humans are all indigenous to our planet, so many of us have forgotten.

Arbutus and me — not Grandmother Tree, she lives elsewhere

That night I was not hallucinating, I was being taught by being shown. This lesson has been indelibly imprinted within me.

In my range of explorations since my recent cancer diagnosis, wondering about my inner incongruities, I find that I have been separating some of my most personal, impactful learning by remaining quiet and not sharing openly with others. This is one reason why I am committed to sharing now.

I was magnetically drawn to one particular tree. She appeared to be opening her arms in invitation. Her body was much wider than mine. I leaned my back against her sturdy trunk, anticipating hard bumpiness, and was surprised to feel as if I were sinking into a cushion. There was no distinct separation between us.   I was enveloped in a lovingly tender embrace like none other I have ever experienced. I absorbed a sensation of bonding that I believe so many of my ancestors had been deprived of as they battled hardships, growing further and further away from their integral relationship with the natural world. The cord of connection that had been severed so many generations ago mended during this embrace. The frayed, disconnected strands were rewoven back in time to my ancestors and strengthened for the generations yet to come. I later learned that others before me had called this precious tree Grandmother.

Arbutus Dragon from a distance

I had embarked on my teacher plant journey with some trepidation, expecting I would be shown ugliness, more sorrow and even terror. Instead I was shown beauty. The beauty had been there all along but I had been missing it. Relationship with the natural world had been there all along but I had been missing it. So much to grieve and to praise.

That was my waking up to consciously relating with trees. There have been many amazing adventures and stories since that time, several of which gently reappeared in the foreground not long ago as I was sitting in a hot tub at night gazing up at the trees.

Because this is so long, in a separate blog I’ll add more about what I have been learning about them.

PS:   In previous blogs I may have mentioned that my journey with cancer has been a mystical experience. One dimension has been an abundance of synchronicities. And here is one right now: I began writing this blog while sitting in the Nanaimo airport — as I put away my ipad and stood up to go through Security I turned around to see a large poster with trees on it and a table with an array of printed materials. It was National Forest Week.

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No Core Nugget

September 18, 2017

in Waking Up, Growing Up

Today I opened an email from one of my wise friends, Wayne Dodge, offering his thought about my line in my recent blog “Although I may not have gotten to the core nugget . . . ” Wayne’s offering: “What if there is no core nugget? What then? There, for me, is often the deeper acceptance.”

Zing – my mind, my heart melted instantaneously into recognition. Surrender. Compassion.  Instead of narrowing down to a nugget, deeper acceptance feels more to me like heart and mind expansion, merging with an infinite field, explanation not necessary.

Thank you Wayne! This strikes right into the heart of the mystical aspect of the passage I am navigating. I’ve been awash in a multitude of extraordinary moments flooding in from so many different directions that forming my thoughts and words to satisfactorily describe seems out of reach. I feel and hear my soul calling for expression and am convinced that learning to articulate in a connecting way with others is a vital learning edge for me. Just as opening to receive is a newer way of “being” in flow, so will learning to openly express my soul view.

I have to start somewhere so I intend to follow up in this blog. In my shadow workshop I remind people that when we begin to unearth and bring into the light aspects of ourselves that have lain dormant, it is natural to bumble along awkwardly for a while, which is what I expect to be doing.

Synchronicities have been abounding, to the degree that I am relaxing and taking them more in my stride. Instead of “wow” it is now more “of course.” These events are teaching me about what it is like to live in faith rather than strategy and control.

I mention synchronicities because amongst other things they are happening regularly with books. Sometimes I stumble across a book I’ve read recently and open right to a passage that directly relates to what I’ve been thinking or wondering about. It isn’t hard in my home to literally stumble across a book because I have them on shelves, in baskets, on the floor, piled here and there. Although I’ve read many of them, there are lots of wanna-reads calling out to me. Sometimes I am suddenly drawn to one of the wanna-reads and it also opens to exactly what hits the spot.

Just after Wayne’s email today, I opened Bill Plotkin’s “Nature and the Human Soul”, one of his several books that I value. His work has been a profound influence for me.  The passages I read today illuminate an aspect of my current context, including embracing my elderhood and the accompanying responsibilities whole-heartedly.

He offers his compelling blueprint of authentic human development through an eco-centric (rather than ego-centric) lens in eight stages of life.  For now I will share what he has written about Stages 6, 7 and 8. Although I differ somewhat with a few of his ideas, he beautifully describes several things that I strongly relate to through direct experience or as an appealing idealogy.

Stage 6) The Artisan in the Wild Orchard

This is the stage of late adulthood, the stage of cultural renaissance. At this stage we are concerned with manifesting a genuine system for the delivery of our soul work. Our domain is the wild orchard, a robust environment of ripened fruit. We have discovered our unique vocation. Our induction into the circle of artistry is a cultural boon, but we are diligent in our cultivation of soul. We are learning how our soulwork is also artwork, and how to deliver it as a gift to the world. Art is paramount. Benevolence is primary, teaching is secondary. Our life is all about planting the seeds of our knowledge and communicating deeply with others: human, and other-than-human. We seek to cultivate the philosophy of soul-centrism and eco-centrism by imparting its wisdom onto others. We can now hear nature speaking a language older than words. Our ego is in full flight. We are becoming a creature with the capacity for mastery. “The world was made to be free in: this we know in our bones, and this definitive and fearful knowledge is what both supports us and requires us to turn away from our secure but less-than-joyful lives.” -Bill Plotkin

 Stage 7) The Master in the Grove of Elders

This is the stage of early elderhood, the stage of wholeness. At this stage we are concerned with the world as a whole, as a vibrating interconnected web of life. Our domain is a grove, a place that is linked to the entire ecosystem. We have planted our seeds and now we get to watch them grow. We have been crowned with the mantle of mastery and now we see with “over-eyes” how the energy of psyche/culture is joined and linked forever with the energy of nature/world. Wisdom is paramount. Vigilance is primary, observance is secondary. Our life is all about caring for the soul of the human and more-than-human community. We seek nothing more than to tend to the web of life with a humor of the most high. We can now both hear and speak, fluently, a language older than words. Our ego flies above all, tending to the way it all fits together. We are becoming a creature with the capacity to surrender to the cosmos.

 Stage 8) The Sage in the Mountain Cave

This is the stage of late elderhood, the stage of grace. At this stage we are concerned with tending to the universe as a whole. Our domain is a mountain cave, a place up high where the cosmic structure of the universe is displayed in all its glory. We have surrendered to grace. We are humbled by our wisdom, and honored to have lived a life of soul-centric/eco-centric relevance. Gratitude is paramount. Numinosity is primary, luminance is secondary. Our life is all about being one with cosmos and spirit. We seek nothing more than to let go, to give way. We have become a language older than words. Our ego is at rest, nesting in an infinite nest. We are becoming a creature with the capacity for rebirth, but first, death.

Caring for the soul of the human and the more-than-human community, I know this is possible, I know people who are living this now, the question is how to invite more into the community.

love light laughter linda



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